"Suspense is like a woman. The more left to the imagination, the more the excitement."
"Young writers should read books past bedtime and write things down in notebooks when they are supposed to be doing something else."
Only when it’s quiet…
Illusions of a battered conscious
Rest assure my thoughts are endless. The intermittent humdrum of my air conditioning gives a soundtrack to my fantasies of you.
The humming represents slowed tender embraces while the breaks in-between speeds up the fantasy with much intensity and passion. But only when it’s quiet. When it’s busy all I want to do is sit next to you.
I am sad for you. I am sad for the things that you’ve yet to learn but should know. I am sad for the things that you did learn but never applied because you felt you didn’t need them to grow. I am sad for the things you’ll lose because no one will tell you so. I am sad that you tell lies to cover truth. I am sad that you use truth to deceive instead of using it as proof. I am sad for you. I fathom your presence, I fathom your suit. For you dress for war instead of peace.
I am sad for you. I am sad that you’d rather fight and recluse than love and retreat. I am sad for you. You’d rather beat your head with pain than heal your hands in feat. How I can feel this sad for you, I do not know. The only reason I could gather is the fact that I’m writing this note, you being it’s only recipient, with nowhere else for it to go.
Moody’s ballet (first dance)…
I’ve decided to resurrect a former character/alias of mine, Bella Beretta. A very firm and ruthless woman of many talents. Bella was a character I created while writing short stories in college a few years ago. She entails all the characteristics of myself, yet, she is in the form of a subhuman. Bella exhibits strength, perserverance and empowerment. Her love for words are beyond the words that can be used to describe her density. She is just that powerful, that meaningful to the woman’s race. I need to tweak a few things because even with all of her noted attributes, Bella still does not harbor a face. Maybe I will leave her that way so that when woman read about her they will see themselves instead of what they believe they are suppose to see. In essence, when they read about Bella they should be seeing themselves. This should be fun. I havent “seen” Bella in quite a few years.
My persona has garnered the dexterity of a ballet dancer. My moods have flowed vigoriously as if my temperment was on vacation or some sort of strike. The energy I have to use to control my intentions, reactions and verbal vulgarity makes me weaker than an overused paperclip. Like most situations, I favor consistency but in this case I despise it’s existence. If not consistent, it is consecutive. If not consecuitve, it is reeling…that presents a huge problem for me.
These tendencies, discrephancies, flaws, tainted attributes (whatever you want to call them) will and/or has become a problem for those who have crossed my path.
I start with reluctance, I practice restraint, yet, I react, retreat, recluse then repeat…but soon it crawls its monstrous hooks back into me. Soon all the harm I cause I feel indiscriminately. This isnt karma this is the conditioning of Hell’s heat…the fire that makes me dance.
That lustrious reoccurence
Sometimes it’s just better to sit alone in a room, humming a happy tune than to sit in a room full of people harmonizing in gloom.
I am trying to figure out why I have this woman on my mind all the time. I have tried many things to get her off of my mind but to no avail I ponder. I even tried thinking of her in a negative way and again I failed. So what am I to do? Should I attempt to court or abort my lust and desire? Should I keep my fantasies at bay or share them with her through action and humor? I havent a clue. I just know that I think of her beautiful brown skin and lustrious eyes every single time my mind winds down (sometimes purposedly). *Sighs* I am not in love but I am in focus.